Thursday, April 03, 2008

And now I wait

I dropped le Petit off with the nanny a half an hour ago. He was in tears. He was screaming, actually. For an idea of the decibels involved, know that the other day my mother-in-law heard him four floors down in the hallway of her building as the nanny was putting him into the stroller. (My mother-in-law and the family who shares our nanny live conveniently and not coincidentally in the same building.)

I am strangely calm. Something happened over the last few days that I can't identify. Perhaps it was that the nanny talked to me not just as the experienced child care professional that she is, but as a mother. She knows this isn't easy for me. She also knows that right now I have no choice but to push on through.

Perhaps it was a reassuring email from Moxie reminding me that this will improve in time and that I have options that hadn't occurred to me, like temporarily working part time.

Perhaps I've finally sorted out my priorities in my mind and discovered that I do at least want to try combining working and parenting. I now have a taste of being a stay-at-home mom. I'd like to know what it is like to be a working mom. I have the rare luxury of a choice, and I want it to be an informed one.

Not that I'm expecting to change my mind, either, and certainly not lightly or right away, but this experience will influence the path I choose with other jobs, and hopefully future pregnancies, over the months and years to come. An about-face is an option, of course, but one I now believe I can make calmly if necessary.

Now I'm sitting at my mother-in-law's waiting for a phone call where I may or may not hear a very unhappy le Petit in the background. I've heard nothing so far... so far I hope, so good?


Anonymous said...

Hi! Just found your blog via Moxie, and thought I'd send words of encouragement. You can do this, Le Petit can do this, and you're right, you have options. Transitions are hard but soon you'll setle into a new routine and see if it works. I was lucky to be able to work part time when my children were little, but having your mother-in-law nearby sounds lucky, too. Hope it all works out for you!

Parisienne Mais Presque said...

Thank you so much for your kind words! It helps a lot to hear from other moms who have already been through similar transitions. Things are, well... going a bit better, I think? But still tough. I'll write an update soon!